The ongoing celebrity nude hacking scandal has raised a number of questions, but as more and more nudes of famous women get leaked, one is beginning to rise above the noise: Where the hell are the dicks?
We, too, share these concerns. So far, only one dick—that of Justin Verlander, Detroit Tigers pitcher and boyfriend of Kate Upton—has popped up among hundreds of nude photos of actresses and female singers. But the logic of nudes holds that all those racy photos were part of a trade. The dicks are out there somewhere.
But whose dicks? In this post, we'll attempt a rough approximation of a male-version of 4chan's "master list" of hacked celebrities. Our methodology is simple: we are limiting this list to men who dated or were rumored to have dated (or had a fling) with the women whose nude photos have already been leaked. We are using 2009 as a rough cut-off date—any nudes sent before then are likely to have been lost amid computer and phone updates.
This list does not take into account Hollywood's serial unsolicited dick pic senders (Justin Bieber, probably) and makes no judgement on whether the men named did or did not send nudes to the women who have been hacked, only that they could have.
We will start with the four men most likely to have had their nudes gathered by those behind the celebrity hacking ring. Then we will move onto an alphabetized master list—totaling 85 dudes—which encompasses actors, singers, rapper, athletes, indie rock musicians, creative directors, a bodyguard, a tattoo artist, a real estate developer, a "lifestyle coach" and a few dozen or so of the most famous men on Earth.
The Most Likely Suspects
Zac Efron dated actress Vanessa Hudgens from the mid-2000s on through December 2010, when the High School Musical couple officially broke up. But even as recently as this summer there were rumors that the two might be close to getting back together. In 2011, Efron was seen in Los Angeles canoodling with actress Teresa Palmer.
The British actor (Skins, X-Men) split up with actress Jennifer Lawrence this summer after a year of dating. Before that, back in 2010, he might have had a fling with actress and singer Victoria Justice.
The Master List
John Patrick Amedori, actor, who is dating actress Brie Larson.
DJ Ashba, musician, who was linked to actress Becca Tobin last year.
Gabriel Aubry, model, who reportedly dated Kim Kardashian in 2010.
Miles Austin, football player, who reportedly dated Kardashian for a week in 2010.
Jeff Baena, writer and director, who is dating actress Aubrey Plaza.
Matt Bendik, entrepreneur, who dated Tobin until his death this past August.
Ryan Blair, entrepreneur, who was connected to singer AJ Michalka in 2011.
Jason Boesel, musician, who dated actress Kirsten Dunst in 2011.
Bret Bolinger, singer, who dated actress Kaley Cuoco in 2012.
Chris Brown, singer, who has dated singer Rihanna off-and-on since at least 2008.
Austin Butler, actor, who is dating Hudgens.
Scott Campbell, tattoo artist, who married actress Lake Bell in 2013.
Thomas Campbell, artist, who dated actress Jessica Brown Findlay until 2012.
Jim Carrey, actor, who dated actress Jenny McCarthy until 2010.
Henry Cavill, actor, who had a fling with Cuoco in 2013.
Maksim Chmerkovskiy, dancer, who dated model Kate Upton until last year.
Geoffrey James Clark, actor, who was engaged to actress Leven Rambin until 2011.
Mike Comrie, ex-hockey player, who was married to actress Hillary Duff until 2014.
Michael Copon, actor, who reportedly dated Kardashian in 2011.
Romain Dauriac, journalist, who married actress Scarlett Johannson in 2013.
Shengo Deane, bodyguard, who kissed Kardashian in 2010.
Johnny Depp, actor, who is engaged to actress Amber Heard.
Drake, rapper, who probably had a fling with Rihanna this summer and around 2010.
Andrew Dryden, menswear buyer, who dated model Emily Ratajkowski until this year.
Zac Efron, actor, see above.
Sean Feris, actor, who was linked to Upton in 2013.
Pierson Fode, actor, who reportedly dated Justice in 2013.
Johnny Galecki, actor, who dated Cuoco until 2010.
Brian Geraghty, actor, who dated actress Krysten Ritter in 2012.
Adam Granduciel, musician, who is currently dating Ritter.
Blake Griffin, basketball player, who held hands with Upton in 2013.
Colton Haynes, model, who dated AJ Michalka in 2012.
Garrett Hedlund, actor, who is currently dating Dunst.
Nicholas Hoult, actor, see above.
Steve Howey, actor, who is married to actress Sarah Shahi.
Kris Humphries, basketball player, who divorced Kardashian in 2013.
Josh Hutcherson, actor, see above.
Blake Jenner, actor, who is engaged to actress Melissa Benoist.
Brody Jenner, son of Bruce, who dated Avril Lavigne in 2012.
Joe Jonas, singer, who dated singer and actress Demi Lovato until 2010.
Thomas Jones, ex-football player, who dated actress Megan Good until 2010.
Matt Kemp, baseball player, who dated Rihanna in 2010.
Michael Kershaw, real estate developer, who is married to actress Rachel Nichols.
Adam Kimmel, fashion designer, who is married to actress Leelee Sobieski.
Wladimir Klitschko, boxer, who is set to marry actress Hayden Panettiere.
Paul Krepelka, businessman, who dated McCarthy in 2011.
Chad Kroeger, singer, who dated Lavigne until this year.
Tim Loden, actor, who dated actress Yvonne Strahovski until 2012.
Alexander Ludwig, actor, who was seen kissing Rambin in 2012.
Chris Martin, singer, see above.
Harrison Mead, musician, who dated AJ Michalka in 2013.
Cory Monteith, actor, who dated actress Lea Michele until his death in 2013.
Joel David Moore, actor, who dated singer Aly Michalka in 2011.
Nate Naylor, creative director, who dated Johannson in 2012.
Hermann Nicoli, model, who is dating model Candice Swanepoel.
P. Diddy, rapper and executive, who reportedly kissed Upton in 2013.
Matthew Paetz, "lifestyle coach," who is currently dating Michele.
Jim Parrack, actor, is currently engaged to Rambin.
Hunter Parrish, actor, who dated AJ Michalka in 2009.
Josh Pence, actor, who is currently dating actress Abigail Spencer.
Sean Penn, actor, who dated Johannson in 2011.
Matt Prokop, actor, who dated actress Sarah Hyland until August.
Andrew Pruett, husband, who was married to Spencer until 2012.
Josh "Lazie" Resnik, musician, who was briefly engaged to Cuoco in 2010.
Ryan Reynolds, actor, who was married to Johannson until 2011.
Stephen Ritter, director, who married Aly Michalka in July.
Cristiano Ronaldo, soccer player, who reportedly kissed Kardashian in Spain.
Ryan Rottman, actor, who dated Justice until 2013.
Mark Sanchez, football player, who dated Upton in 2012.
Patrick Schwarzenegger, son of Arnold, who dated AJ Michalka in 2013.
Ivan Sergei, actor, who reportedly dated Ritter in 2010.
Alexander Skarsgard, actor, who split with Bosworth in 2011.
Soulja Boy, rapper, who might have dated Good in 2009.
Scott Speedman, actor, who dated Palmer until 2012.
Jerramy Stevens, football player, who is married to soccer player Hope Solo.
Theo Stockman, actor, who dated Michele until 2011.
Ryan Sweeting, tennis player, who married Cuoco in January.
Jason Toohey, fitness model, who dated McCarthy in 2010.
Jason Trawick, ex-Britney Spears fianceé, is dated Rambin in 2013.
Steven Tyler, singer, who made out with Rambin in 2013.
Brian Urlacher, ex-football player, who dated McCarthy in 2012.
Wilmer Valderrama, actor, who is currently dating Lovato.
Nick Vorderman, photographer, who dated Benoist in 2012.
Dwyane Wade, basketball player, who married actress Gabrielle Union this summer.
Donnie Wahlberg, Wahlberg, who married McCarthy in August.
Mark Weber, actor, who married Palmer last year.
Kanye West, rapper, who married Kim Kardashian in 2014.