If you hear lovers of delicious and nutritious yogurt exclaiming "Ding dong!" this morning, you may follow up by exclaiming "The witch is dead!" The king of inferior Greek yogurt has fallen from his curdled throne.
Chobani is to "Greek yogurt" as prison wine made from fermented orange juice is to "fine wine." The company successfully passed off its watery, bitter product on the American public for years, and Chobani's CEO, Hamdi Ulukaya, was riding high on a wave of money, and bad yogurt. (Disgusting.)
Times have changed—Chobani's market share has plunged over the past decade, no doubt due to the discovery by you, the consumer, that it is possible to purchase an incredibly delicious other kind of Greek yogurt for just pennies more than Chobani's brand of semen-like milk ejaculate. Chobani's desperate attempt to roll out new products over the past year have failed, no doubt because you, the consumer, are smart enough to realize that simply adding new bells and whistles and flavors and branding to a product that tastes like chalk mixed with paste does not change the fundamental fact that said product is garbage.
Despite the best efforts of dirty politicians to prop up Chobani's sour reign, the metaphorical chickens have come home to roost and enjoy a creamy cup of quality Greek yogurt, and not some other weird foreign impostor. Hamdi Ulukaya is "being replaced as CEO and may even be stripped of his chairman role." In the long run, this will prove to be yet another desperate and futile act by a tasteless food company with a nonrefundable one-way ticket to history's vomitorium. But for now, let us savor this taste: the taste of justice.
(It tastes like Fage yogurt.)